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July 19 I met deathLast night I was very very very happy with just a little help from a beer or two, something I hardly engage in really but hey, you only live once right ?
At three thirty this morning, I woke up in shock, I couldn't breath at all.
I was on my feet in momemts, desperatly trying to draw breath, wondering what the hell was wrong, terrified and unsure as my whole head started to get the pins and needles sensation from oxygen depravation.
I stumbled and fell about looking for the ventolin that I had knocked off my bedside table in the hopes that would do some good but how do you get such medication into your lungs when you have no air ?
I heard a high pitched whine starting to build up in my ears and I became dizzier every second as I grabbed the ventolin inhaler and started to pump its entire contents into my mouth in the hope that I would get at least one lung full of air.
I was on the cusp of dying and the only thing on my mind was the word "fuck".
That can't be right, surely you're supposed to have some insight, your whole life flashing before your eyes and shit, right ?
Obviously, the ventolin worked and after what feels like an eternity, I did eventually start to draw breath again.
Slowly at first, hard rasping and shallow but enough that I knew this would not be he day I died, not just yet.
Each intake was loud and difficult but over the next 15 minutes or so, my breathing returned although I wasn't able to speak, the strain had just been too great on my vocal chords as I had obviously also been drawing air into my stomach in my desperation.
I started to burp more than I have ever done in my known history.
That all happened almost 12 hours ago, I am still finding it hard to speak, my voice is cracked and my throat is sore.
I have a massive headache that has very little to do with the beer ... it isn't just a hangover but the after effect of O2 Deprevation.
Death is my worst fear in the world but I thought that there was always going to be something else about it.
Some insight, some kind of life flashback, some deeper meaning revealed or that stupid light at the end of the tunnel thing.
Yeah, well, I brushed shoulders with death last night and it was nothing but dark and terrorfying and lonely.
The only thing is, I'm still saying "fuck" in my head, I just can't shake it.
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